Triangulation

Meditation
Proverbs 26:20--Without wood, fire goes out; without a gossip, conflict dies down

Dr. Henry Cloud shares a concept called triangulation in his book The Power Of The Other. Triangulation sets up what he calls the victim-persecutor-rescuer (VPR) triad.  I’m A and you are B and someone else is C. If I’m bothered by something you, B, have done, disagree with you or somehow feel victimized by you, this makes you the persecutor.  Rather than go to you and share my concerns I go to C and share making C the rescuer. I want C’s support. This then becomes triangulation and it is always wrong despite the many reasons Christians contrive to justify this behavior.

 Yperen notes five excuses people use to justify triangulation and useful steps to stop this behavior.[1]
1.  Legalism—since the issue was not technically sin it was not necessary to apply Matthew 18:15 and go directly to B to share.
2.  Minimizing—the issue is too small to be worth confronting. But if this is true why is A going to C?  People also can build up a lot of unresolved “small” issues that later boil over.
3.  Blaming—B is too hard to talk to so it is safer and easier to go to C.  The Bible does not say Matthew 18:15 does not apply for difficult people.
4.  False humility—A says “maybe I’m part of the problem so I needed to talk to C or others to get their opinion. 
5.  False compassion—A does not want to hurt or judge B so going to C is a better technique.  
           
Despite these excuses, gossiping or talking behind someone’s back takes place and, in each case, if B found out what A was doing with C there would be legitimate hurt for B. The best way to stop triangulation is for C to stop A and say have you spoken with B yet?  If not, warn A not to talk about B behind B’s back. C should encourage A to go speak with B and defuse the conflict.  Hold A accountable to do what is right by checking back later to see if A followed through by speaking to B. 
           
Remember triangulation is “an affront to the Cross because it robs a fellow believer of the opportunity for understanding, forgiveness and reconciliation.”[2] It makes the problem worse than it truly is and if left unchecked it can kill fellowship.  It is like throwing wood on a fire. Our responsibility as Christians is to go to a fellow brother or sister and clear up conflict, reconcile and bring peace.  This glorifies God, defeats Satan’s agenda and makes fellowship strong.  Something to think about . . . in reveration!
 
Inspiration
But conflict resolution is getting people who are at odds with one another—vociferously and sometimes angrily at odds with one another—bringing them together and getting them to make a human connection. —James Autry quoted by Larry C. Spears in Practicing Servant Leadership
 
©2021 Daniel York  ARR.  Reveration is the weekly devotional ministry of First Cause.  If you would like to receive these devotionals go to www.firstcause.org and click on the “Click here to receive weekly devotionals” box.  Unlimited permission to copy this devotional without altering text or profiteering is allowed subject to inclusion of this copyright notice.     
 
Ecclesiastes 12:10-The Teacher sought to find delightful sayings and to accurately write words of truth.  (Holman CSB)


[1] Yperen, J. V. (2002). Making peace: A guide to overcoming church conflict. Moody Publishers.
[2] Ibid